Discovered strength

It's been quite interesting what's happening these days. Re-assessing yourself and checking ones self is quite interesting at the same time challenging for most, if not, all of us.

Now, I've been thinking many stuffs for a while and just this afternoon I thought, I've changed again since the last time I transferred. Back then I was feeling a bit stronger. I was trying and striving to be strong during that time because it was my adjustment stage. Then came along some few changes, actually its a bit huge though. And I tried to compare what made me change to something like this and not maintain what I was during my adjustment stage. Hmm, what could be the difference.

The answer came out of all of a sudden and I was really convinced I'm correct. B-O-Y-S. Yes, I spelled boys. Back then we had a huge group and even though the number of male and female in the group were just equal, it really feels like a group, a family. :) And one that really made it real are the boys (just my own point of view). I know that maybe some boys/guys are not really showing entirely what they are but showing some part of their personality as what they are --- being a bad boy type, sabay, praning, but at the same time knows how to respect, kind, thoughtful, and responsible to each and everyone of us --- makes me feel secure. You might not find them trustworthy or their face may not look as wholesome as you think (no offense) but they perfectly fall to one of my long time motto which is to never judge a book by its cover. They also make me realize to keep my feet on the ground and make me feel acccepted for who I am despite how I look like (coz I look down myself because of my insecurities), and makes me feel that even if what I'm doing isn't all that entirely big or very contributory, it's enough and it's really much appreciated. It may sound (or if you see me in person) flirty or somewhat crossing some boundaries, but that's how I really feel. I don't flirt, I'm not that kind of person.

Another explanation for this is maybe I am yearning for attention, love, affection, and praise/appreciation from a father which is not always available due to some personal and practical reasons. I don't usually befriend a male person, but when I do, there's that part of me that feels uplifted, that feels I'm important. I don't really exactly know but maybe it's a male's "common natural traits/personalities" that I really love. Perhaps that's also the reason why I have a thing for bad boys rather than the good ones (coz honestly even if I ignore or wanted to prevent it but I always find myself get entangled or will have a crush for some bad boy). Having those feelings really make my day thus make me strong enough to adjust, blend and adapt to my new environment and also compensate on my studies. It was hard but it paid off til the end.

Well, thank you guys for making me feel that way. At least you shared a huge part in my life during those days. It was my timeless classics that I'll never forget. Take care all of you despite the distance and separations because of studies. I will never forget you!:)

It's been really heavy

The last self-assessment I did was that I was supposed to stay low profile about his death and concentrate on my life. But I just can't do it. I crave for news day by day. In some part of my head, it says what could be the latest improvement on his case? Is his toxicology report finally released already? Those are just some of the questions lurking on me everyday.

I also wanted to talk to someone about what I feel lately, but doubt's getting on my nerves. No one might understand me, they might misinterpret my feelings or they might laugh at what my reaction would be. So i kept it to myself.

However, this time, I think it's a bit overflowing inside my chest that blogging it is the only thing I thought of releasing my thoughts and emotions. Nobody might really get my point for now, but i hope there will be someday.

What happened to him gave a big impact in my life. Big enough to make me include him and his family especially his children to my prayers. I really want to help although I know I'm not involve in their personal life. So through prayers I express my sympathy and help for him.

As the day pass by, many evidences and informations had been surfacing to media and to the authorities. Soon enough, probably next week, the truth will come out and those who deserved to be punished must really pay for their sins.

Some vain unworthy of my time

There are just those times when we say to ourselves "Enough is enough."

My obsessions can really eat up most of my time these past days. Gosh, i didn't even think how unworthy that person could be. So I say this with a slam on my face, "I won't be checking you out starting 9pm tonight." I've got so many setbacks in life right now that I should be thinking and attending to first before anything else especially that vain person.

Give it up already Kan-Kan! You've wasted much of your time to still continue your obsessions. -- Gee! I'm scolding myself.:P

Nevertheless, I should be in control of my life and not by some obsessions and compulsions unworthy to be getting most of my time and attention. Ta-ta intruder!

Note to self: Kindly do this sincerely and don't eat your words please,okay?