Two days ago, I was having a hard time figuring out the reason why I was having headache.why? I said to myself. Then I remembered, yes I was confronted with important and confidential truths I have to know. Unconsciously, I was not aware of the effect to me. Ouch! My head hurts! It was so hard for my brain to absorb all of it. Why am I facing these things? Should I leave it alone? Should I share it to someone I really trust? I really hope I’m not going to have other confidential truths on my next journeys in life.
I wasn’t prepared, I admit. But what can I do? It might be trials sent from heaven above. Then again I have to continue my life right now and be strong for my next trials ahead of my road. As if nothing happens, as if no one was hurt or disturbed. That’s what I’m doing right now. Man I’m really practicing my heart to be so numb at almost all the time. Will somebody tell me if what I’m doing is right or wrong? I don’t react at anything and I consider everything. Oh how clumsy of me. Am I that stupid? I just let everybody else be happy and let them hurt my feelings and never let them know?
Sus, walay kapaingnan akong entry sa blog nko. Nobody really understands me. No one. No one.
March 4, 2008; 1:05 am – in my messy bed, feeling very very guilty of what I did that made Mark and me cry.
Addiction difficult to abandon
It has been like almost three years already since my “addiction” had infected me. I may not be the only person who had or is experiencing this kind of situation. I call this my “addiction” because even if I attempt to withdraw from it, it’ll still come back to me as if it’s part of me. The “addiction” I am pertaining to is not drugs, alcohol, pc games, nor smoking. It’s a thing called admiration to somebody else, or let’s say obsession (as one of my friends say). It started with just a simple hearsay, a comment or tittle-tattle from someone I used to call a chatmate, a friend, a phonepal and a textmate. People around me started saying things about this “person” (which I now sort of admire much). It’s like a pathogen that infected my ear and went straight into my brain that made me now a bit insane kinda way. “I had to come across, check and know if what they are saying about this ‘person’ is really true,” I said to myself. All along, it was just bait -- bait that made me fall into the trap and had trapped me for almost three years now. And probably I didn’t notice this, but it is causing pain to a lot of people surrounding me, especially Mark. It has always been Mark where I pour all my emotions to – anger, happiness, cornyness, sillyness, pa-cuteness, bossiness, OAness, naughtiness, malditaness, lakwacheraness, spoiled bratness, in short, the real me without any exemptions. (I don’t know how he handles my attitude because if you ask me, it’s really hard to understand my attitude that even my parent can’t understand me sometimes.)
It is also causing me to waste my time just because of watching this “person’s” pictures, blogs, or anything. I haven’t told this to my parents yet (but I’m planning to). It’s probably time to spill some of this information now. It might help and force me to really quit from this addiction. If alcoholic people get a hard time withdrawing themselves from drinking, then that does not excuse me. It’s hard also, you know. Probably it’s easy to will and think I’ll stop but to put it into action? I can’t answer that. I tried several times but it didn’t last for a month. There’ll be that certain time where I roll my eyes to see this “person”. Gosh it’s so hard! In addition to that, wherever I go, there’s that someone or a thing which will remind me of the “person”. It’s like everything that surrounds me connects to that “person”. (Shit kaayo!) I don’t know what to do anymore! Finals week is fast approaching!
Perhaps, the more I lure to that “person”, the more I destroy myself. Please if somebody can give me an advice, help me! As the saying goes – curiosity killed the cat – and I don’t want to be the cat!
I'm watching Daily10 in ETC & also PBB Teen Edition Plus in between breaks.
RUMORS ARE MAKING EVERYBODY ARGUE MUCH.
One big thing I learned in life is that, you should think before you speak and make sure that whatever message you relay or whenever you say “she/he says this and that”, make sure you say it exactly or nearly the same as how it was being said. I was a victim before, many times actually. So I guess experience is really the best teacher, and I learn. But sometimes, I do it again. I mean, I’m not perfect.
Now, enough about me. I have this huge idea to really type this thing coz it bugged me so much. People out there should really be careful of what they say. Careful with that mouth of yours, coz that mouth will make great things, May it be good or bad. One big example a while ago was when I was watching PBB Teen Edition Plus. It was during that time when a conflict between the housemates came out because of that big “?” question mark (identity/personality) of their new housemate “Shy.” (Note: I am not destroying anybody’s identity. I’m just sharing my thoughts on the attitudes commonly behaved mostly almost all individual.)
It started when “Shy’s” task is making everybody in the house believe that she has a crush on Josef. Then there was that time when Priscilla had a conversation with her and Shy made said that she pity Josef for being nominated. Later on that day, she told it to the other girls and added a huge detail which makes the idea mistakenly relayed to the other girls. Priscilla added na sinabi ni Shy na sana si ano nalang ang ma-evict. (“ano” word was used and no name was mentioned). Therefore, Nicole was there (where we know that she’s also nominated) and reacted to what she had found out.
In this scenario, it was a clearly huge mistake. Luis Manzano even reacted on it during their airing time in abs-cbn. Clearly, we then see that when we hear rumors, it doesn’t really mean it’s the whole truth. You know what I mean. Haka-haka lang but not really proven true. It may also happen that any rumor na marating sa’yo is not the original story. For the reason that the message is being passed several times already by different people, there’s that big probability that different word was being used in every talking individual. In the case of my example (from PBB), it shows how we commit mistakes even by relaying a simple information to other individual. I respect people who are really talkative, coz I myself is one of a kind talker, however, this may serve as a GOOD EXAMPLE to each one of us here on earth that we should be CAREFUL OF WHAT WE SPEAK and LEARN HOW TO SAY THE EXACT WORD or EXACT THOUGHT so that nobody’s going to be in trouble.
