It's been quite interesting what's happening these days. Re-assessing yourself and checking ones self is quite interesting at the same time challenging for most, if not, all of us.
Now, I've been thinking many stuffs for a while and just this afternoon I thought, I've changed again since the last time I transferred. Back then I was feeling a bit stronger. I was trying and striving to be strong during that time because it was my adjustment stage. Then came along some few changes, actually its a bit huge though. And I tried to compare what made me change to something like this and not maintain what I was during my adjustment stage. Hmm, what could be the difference.
The answer came out of all of a sudden and I was really convinced I'm correct. B-O-Y-S. Yes, I spelled boys. Back then we had a huge group and even though the number of male and female in the group were just equal, it really feels like a group, a family. :) And one that really made it real are the boys (just my own point of view). I know that maybe some boys/guys are not really showing entirely what they are but showing some part of their personality as what they are --- being a bad boy type, sabay, praning, but at the same time knows how to respect, kind, thoughtful, and responsible to each and everyone of us --- makes me feel secure. You might not find them trustworthy or their face may not look as wholesome as you think (no offense) but they perfectly fall to one of my long time motto which is to never judge a book by its cover. They also make me realize to keep my feet on the ground and make me feel acccepted for who I am despite how I look like (coz I look down myself because of my insecurities), and makes me feel that even if what I'm doing isn't all that entirely big or very contributory, it's enough and it's really much appreciated. It may sound (or if you see me in person) flirty or somewhat crossing some boundaries, but that's how I really feel. I don't flirt, I'm not that kind of person.
Another explanation for this is maybe I am yearning for attention, love, affection, and praise/appreciation from a father which is not always available due to some personal and practical reasons. I don't usually befriend a male person, but when I do, there's that part of me that feels uplifted, that feels I'm important. I don't really exactly know but maybe it's a male's "common natural traits/personalities" that I really love. Perhaps that's also the reason why I have a thing for bad boys rather than the good ones (coz honestly even if I ignore or wanted to prevent it but I always find myself get entangled or will have a crush for some bad boy). Having those feelings really make my day thus make me strong enough to adjust, blend and adapt to my new environment and also compensate on my studies. It was hard but it paid off til the end.
Well, thank you guys for making me feel that way. At least you shared a huge part in my life during those days. It was my timeless classics that I'll never forget. Take care all of you despite the distance and separations because of studies. I will never forget you!:)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
It's been really heavy
The last self-assessment I did was that I was supposed to stay low profile about his death and concentrate on my life. But I just can't do it. I crave for news day by day. In some part of my head, it says what could be the latest improvement on his case? Is his toxicology report finally released already? Those are just some of the questions lurking on me everyday.
I also wanted to talk to someone about what I feel lately, but doubt's getting on my nerves. No one might understand me, they might misinterpret my feelings or they might laugh at what my reaction would be. So i kept it to myself.
However, this time, I think it's a bit overflowing inside my chest that blogging it is the only thing I thought of releasing my thoughts and emotions. Nobody might really get my point for now, but i hope there will be someday.
What happened to him gave a big impact in my life. Big enough to make me include him and his family especially his children to my prayers. I really want to help although I know I'm not involve in their personal life. So through prayers I express my sympathy and help for him.
As the day pass by, many evidences and informations had been surfacing to media and to the authorities. Soon enough, probably next week, the truth will come out and those who deserved to be punished must really pay for their sins.
I also wanted to talk to someone about what I feel lately, but doubt's getting on my nerves. No one might understand me, they might misinterpret my feelings or they might laugh at what my reaction would be. So i kept it to myself.
However, this time, I think it's a bit overflowing inside my chest that blogging it is the only thing I thought of releasing my thoughts and emotions. Nobody might really get my point for now, but i hope there will be someday.
What happened to him gave a big impact in my life. Big enough to make me include him and his family especially his children to my prayers. I really want to help although I know I'm not involve in their personal life. So through prayers I express my sympathy and help for him.
As the day pass by, many evidences and informations had been surfacing to media and to the authorities. Soon enough, probably next week, the truth will come out and those who deserved to be punished must really pay for their sins.
Some vain unworthy of my time
There are just those times when we say to ourselves "Enough is enough."
My obsessions can really eat up most of my time these past days. Gosh, i didn't even think how unworthy that person could be. So I say this with a slam on my face, "I won't be checking you out starting 9pm tonight." I've got so many setbacks in life right now that I should be thinking and attending to first before anything else especially that vain person.
Give it up already Kan-Kan! You've wasted much of your time to still continue your obsessions. -- Gee! I'm scolding myself.:P
Nevertheless, I should be in control of my life and not by some obsessions and compulsions unworthy to be getting most of my time and attention. Ta-ta intruder!
Note to self: Kindly do this sincerely and don't eat your words please,okay?
My obsessions can really eat up most of my time these past days. Gosh, i didn't even think how unworthy that person could be. So I say this with a slam on my face, "I won't be checking you out starting 9pm tonight." I've got so many setbacks in life right now that I should be thinking and attending to first before anything else especially that vain person.
Give it up already Kan-Kan! You've wasted much of your time to still continue your obsessions. -- Gee! I'm scolding myself.:P
Nevertheless, I should be in control of my life and not by some obsessions and compulsions unworthy to be getting most of my time and attention. Ta-ta intruder!
Note to self: Kindly do this sincerely and don't eat your words please,okay?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Confrontations
Date & Time Written: September 7, 2007; 12:03 am
Confrontation
Two days ago, I was having a hard time figuring out the reason why I was having headache.why? I said to myself. Then I remembered, yes I was confronted with important and confidential truths I have to know. Unconsciously, I was not aware of the effect to me. Ouch! My head hurts! It was so hard for my brain to absorb all of it. Why am I facing these things? Should I leave it alone? Should I share it to someone I really trust? I really hope I’m not going to have other confidential truths on my next journeys in life.
I wasn’t prepared, I admit. But what can I do? It might be trials sent from heaven above. Then again I have to continue my life right now and be strong for my next trials ahead of my road. As if nothing happens, as if no one was hurt or disturbed. That’s what I’m doing right now. Man I’m really practicing my heart to be so numb at almost all the time. Will somebody tell me if what I’m doing is right or wrong? I don’t react at anything and I consider everything. Oh how clumsy of me. Am I that stupid? I just let everybody else be happy and let them hurt my feelings and never let them know?
Sus, walay kapaingnan akong entry sa blog nko. Nobody really understands me. No one. No one.
Addiction Difficult to Abandon
March 4, 2008; 1:05 am – in my messy bed, feeling very very guilty of what I did that made Mark and me cry.
Addiction difficult to abandon
It has been like almost three years already since my “addiction” had infected me. I may not be the only person who had or is experiencing this kind of situation. I call this my “addiction” because even if I attempt to withdraw from it, it’ll still come back to me as if it’s part of me.
The “addiction” I am pertaining to is not drugs, alcohol, pc games, nor smoking. It’s a thing called admiration to somebody else, or let’s say obsession (as one of my friends say). It started with just a simple hearsay, a comment or tittle-tattle from someone I used to call a chatmate, a friend, a phonepal and a textmate. People around me started saying things about this “person” (which I now sort of admire much). It’s like a pathogen that infected my ear and went straight into my brain that made me now a bit insane kinda way. “I had to come across, check and know if what they are saying about this ‘person’ is really true,” I said to myself. All along, it was just bait -- bait that made me fall into the trap and had trapped me for almost three years now. And probably I didn’t notice this, but it is causing pain to a lot of people surrounding me, especially Mark. It has always been Mark where I pour all my emotions to – anger, happiness, cornyness, sillyness, pa-cuteness, bossiness, OAness, naughtiness, malditaness, lakwacheraness, spoiled bratness, in short, the real me without any exemptions. (I don’t know how he handles my attitude because if you ask me, it’s really hard to understand my attitude that even my parent can’t understand me sometimes.)
It is also causing me to waste my time just because of watching this “person’s” pictures, blogs, or anything. I haven’t told this to my parents yet (but I’m planning to).
It’s probably time to spill some of this information now. It might help and force me to really quit from this addiction. If alcoholic people get a hard time withdrawing themselves from drinking, then that does not excuse me. It’s hard also, you know. Probably it’s easy to will and think I’ll stop but to put it into action? I can’t answer that. I tried several times but it didn’t last for a month. There’ll be that certain time where I roll my eyes to see this “person”. Gosh it’s so hard! In addition to that, wherever I go, there’s that someone or a thing which will remind me of the “person”. It’s like everything that surrounds me connects to that “person”. (Shit kaayo!) I don’t know what to do anymore! Finals week is fast approaching!
Perhaps, the more I lure to that “person”, the more I destroy myself. Please if somebody can give me an advice, help me! As the saying goes – curiosity killed the cat – and I don’t want to be the cat!
Addiction difficult to abandon
It has been like almost three years already since my “addiction” had infected me. I may not be the only person who had or is experiencing this kind of situation. I call this my “addiction” because even if I attempt to withdraw from it, it’ll still come back to me as if it’s part of me.
The “addiction” I am pertaining to is not drugs, alcohol, pc games, nor smoking. It’s a thing called admiration to somebody else, or let’s say obsession (as one of my friends say). It started with just a simple hearsay, a comment or tittle-tattle from someone I used to call a chatmate, a friend, a phonepal and a textmate. People around me started saying things about this “person” (which I now sort of admire much). It’s like a pathogen that infected my ear and went straight into my brain that made me now a bit insane kinda way. “I had to come across, check and know if what they are saying about this ‘person’ is really true,” I said to myself. All along, it was just bait -- bait that made me fall into the trap and had trapped me for almost three years now. And probably I didn’t notice this, but it is causing pain to a lot of people surrounding me, especially Mark. It has always been Mark where I pour all my emotions to – anger, happiness, cornyness, sillyness, pa-cuteness, bossiness, OAness, naughtiness, malditaness, lakwacheraness, spoiled bratness, in short, the real me without any exemptions. (I don’t know how he handles my attitude because if you ask me, it’s really hard to understand my attitude that even my parent can’t understand me sometimes.)
It is also causing me to waste my time just because of watching this “person’s” pictures, blogs, or anything. I haven’t told this to my parents yet (but I’m planning to).
It’s probably time to spill some of this information now. It might help and force me to really quit from this addiction. If alcoholic people get a hard time withdrawing themselves from drinking, then that does not excuse me. It’s hard also, you know. Probably it’s easy to will and think I’ll stop but to put it into action? I can’t answer that. I tried several times but it didn’t last for a month. There’ll be that certain time where I roll my eyes to see this “person”. Gosh it’s so hard! In addition to that, wherever I go, there’s that someone or a thing which will remind me of the “person”. It’s like everything that surrounds me connects to that “person”. (Shit kaayo!) I don’t know what to do anymore! Finals week is fast approaching!
Perhaps, the more I lure to that “person”, the more I destroy myself. Please if somebody can give me an advice, help me! As the saying goes – curiosity killed the cat – and I don’t want to be the cat!
Rumor has it...
May 6, 2008
10:02 PM
I'm watching Daily10 in ETC & also PBB Teen Edition Plus in between breaks.
RUMORS ARE MAKING EVERYBODY ARGUE MUCH.
One big thing I learned in life is that, you should think before you speak and make sure that whatever message you relay or whenever you say “she/he says this and that”, make sure you say it exactly or nearly the same as how it was being said. I was a victim before, many times actually. So I guess experience is really the best teacher, and I learn. But sometimes, I do it again. I mean, I’m not perfect.
Now, enough about me. I have this huge idea to really type this thing coz it bugged me so much. People out there should really be careful of what they say. Careful with that mouth of yours, coz that mouth will make great things, May it be good or bad. One big example a while ago was when I was watching PBB Teen Edition Plus. It was during that time when a conflict between the housemates came out because of that big “?” question mark (identity/personality) of their new housemate “Shy.” (Note: I am not destroying anybody’s identity. I’m just sharing my thoughts on the attitudes commonly behaved mostly almost all individual.)
It started when “Shy’s” task is making everybody in the house believe that she has a crush on Josef. Then there was that time when Priscilla had a conversation with her and Shy made said that she pity Josef for being nominated. Later on that day, she told it to the other girls and added a huge detail which makes the idea mistakenly relayed to the other girls. Priscilla added na sinabi ni Shy na
In this scenario, it was a clearly huge mistake. Luis Manzano even reacted on it during their airing time in abs-cbn. Clearly, we then see that when we hear rumors, it doesn’t really mean it’s the whole truth. You know what I mean. Haka-haka lang but not really proven true. It may also happen that any rumor na marating sa’yo is not the original story. For the reason that the message is being passed several times already by different people, there’s that big probability that different word was being used in every talking individual. In the case of my example (from PBB), it shows how we commit mistakes even by relaying a simple information to other individual. I respect people who are really talkative, coz I myself is one of a kind talker, however, this may serve as a GOOD EXAMPLE to each one of us here on earth that we should be CAREFUL OF WHAT WE SPEAK and LEARN HOW TO SAY THE EXACT WORD or EXACT THOUGHT so that nobody’s going to be in trouble.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Did you think I didn't know?
IDC whether you* know that I know or not. The important thing is, how come you* aren't strong enough to say it to me when in fact we have all the time to talk about it? Don't just post a shout out or blog about it somewhere on the net, no improvement on the issue na jud (if naay issue that is), ako nag-blog ra coz basin nya wala pa sila karealize nga nag-wait ra ko
.... I would know, of course it's so obvious. But why should I be the first to do the move and start the conversation when in fact I'm not the one with the problem. I don't have a problem with you*, but i dunno if you have a problem with me--no complains made. 
Oh well, i'll just be around.
BTW, I'm not the only one giving advices to "the aforementioned".... everyone's been giving advices, everyone's making "the aforementioned" realize things, so it's not just me. The question is, haven't you noticed/realized that before? If many are giving "the aforementioned" advices, talk seriously about what's happening (even those who aren't close to "the aformentioned"), is it already a warning for the aforementioned to be more careful and contemplate on things? Basin nakarealize cya ba, and it's because of so many people who cared to give "the aforementioned" advices to be careful. It's not just because of the simple "scold" (as what the aforementioned interprets in though I wasn't scolding that time), and it's not just labot-labot. I never force "the aforementioned", perhaps you just gave "the aforementioned" the reason to change.
I'm just letting out my thoughts, because it's one of the things that bothered me much. Plus, I was so busy to really think about it and blog it over the past weeks because of my school responsibilities.
Don't also think na nakig-away ko, I'm just saying it. And I'm just saying, nag-wait ra ko.haha.
*- the word can be plural or singular.
.... I would know, of course it's so obvious. But why should I be the first to do the move and start the conversation when in fact I'm not the one with the problem. I don't have a problem with you*, but i dunno if you have a problem with me--no complains made. Oh well, i'll just be around.
BTW, I'm not the only one giving advices to "the aforementioned".... everyone's been giving advices, everyone's making "the aforementioned" realize things, so it's not just me. The question is, haven't you noticed/realized that before? If many are giving "the aforementioned" advices, talk seriously about what's happening (even those who aren't close to "the aformentioned"), is it already a warning for the aforementioned to be more careful and contemplate on things? Basin nakarealize cya ba, and it's because of so many people who cared to give "the aforementioned" advices to be careful. It's not just because of the simple "scold" (as what the aforementioned interprets in though I wasn't scolding that time), and it's not just labot-labot. I never force "the aforementioned", perhaps you just gave "the aforementioned" the reason to change.
I'm just letting out my thoughts, because it's one of the things that bothered me much. Plus, I was so busy to really think about it and blog it over the past weeks because of my school responsibilities.
Don't also think na nakig-away ko, I'm just saying it. And I'm just saying, nag-wait ra ko.haha.
*- the word can be plural or singular.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Why am I such an abusive brat?!
At this very moment, I'm still wiping my tears running down my cheeks. I'm broken-hearted and its all my fault. We broke up, he surrendered. I mean, he was always suffering from my personality since the day we started this relationship. And now, napuno na siya. It hurts me soo bad realizing that even he has limits in his patience on me. I can't imagine hearing those words, "Ulahi na ang tanan." As he utter those lines, it was as if my world stopped. I really did not expect that this would happen. I was so afraid, afraid of loosing him. We've been in a long distance relationship since before our first anniversary, and trust is our only glue which makes us stick with each other keeping this relationship. He said, "It's really hard nowadays to find someone who's honest/loyal to a long distance relationship." I agree, but why was I so tanga on things. I broke his trust. In return, he broke my heart unintentionally and it's all because of me.
God gave me blessings that are hard to find, yet I take them for granted. There are so many things that I should be thankful of. But why am I such a brat? I can't control and figure out myself.
It hurts me so bad thinking that we'll be apart forever. That he already gave up with our relationship.
Then I got this last chance. All I got right now is last chance. My parents even gave me last chance on my studies. Naghihirap na ako. And I do think also that I deserve such. It's just so hard for me to change, fix, organize and discipline myself. Why does it have to be like this? Am such a brat jud! God help me. Send me a miracle!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
boring saturday
Today's valentines day. heck I can't feel any!
i feel numb, but the people around me are so full of love. Does this have to happen?
on second thought, my father called this morning. the first one to actually greet me valentines!
love you Tay!mwah!my day's complete!
HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!
i feel numb, but the people around me are so full of love. Does this have to happen?
on second thought, my father called this morning. the first one to actually greet me valentines!
love you Tay!mwah!my day's complete!
HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
February 14, Valentine's Day
They say this day is the day of romance; a day where sweethearts or lovers celebrate with flowers, candles, dinner reservations and chocolates. That are what most of the people do.
Celebrating valentine's day isn't just about lovers or sweethearts and stuffs. It's about love, love for everyone. So you can enjoy celebrating it with anyone you love, you treasure most, or own a part in your heart. Try celebrating this day with your friends or with your family, whether with your parents, siblings, or cousins. No dramas, just pure fun and joy, leave for a moment all the thorny problem life has bestowed upon our paths. Life ain't easy, but would it be much lighter and more colorful to live with if you have moments to pause and relax, right? Now chill!
My boyfriend isn't here in Dumaguete, he's in Dipolog and he can't come coz of the whether and some reason, but I'm not telling you my valentine's day would be so boring. It's a holiday offered to St. Valentine. I'm going out, with my friends. We'll be bringing our butts to the pool and create a wave using our uttmost strength to make this day special. I never really celebrate this day that much, but for a change, I'll be going out and have fun, unwind, and just be free for a while. I may miss my boyfriend's presence, but hey, what's the use of technology right?
Now, if you're bored and have nothing to do today, Valentine's Day, call your friends now and set up for an ambush outing. Don't limit yourself in saying that it's only for sweethearts or lovers. Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!
Celebrating valentine's day isn't just about lovers or sweethearts and stuffs. It's about love, love for everyone. So you can enjoy celebrating it with anyone you love, you treasure most, or own a part in your heart. Try celebrating this day with your friends or with your family, whether with your parents, siblings, or cousins. No dramas, just pure fun and joy, leave for a moment all the thorny problem life has bestowed upon our paths. Life ain't easy, but would it be much lighter and more colorful to live with if you have moments to pause and relax, right? Now chill!
My boyfriend isn't here in Dumaguete, he's in Dipolog and he can't come coz of the whether and some reason, but I'm not telling you my valentine's day would be so boring. It's a holiday offered to St. Valentine. I'm going out, with my friends. We'll be bringing our butts to the pool and create a wave using our uttmost strength to make this day special. I never really celebrate this day that much, but for a change, I'll be going out and have fun, unwind, and just be free for a while. I may miss my boyfriend's presence, but hey, what's the use of technology right?
Now, if you're bored and have nothing to do today, Valentine's Day, call your friends now and set up for an ambush outing. Don't limit yourself in saying that it's only for sweethearts or lovers. Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Intricate Change of Schedule
Schedule, it's the least thing you'll expect not to change. I'm not liking this fact. Despite the fact that it'll serve as a training for us future nurses, I'm still not liking it. Since this is my first entry to my blog, let me spill up some details about myself.
Adaptation to a new environment depends on several factors, may it be the system in that new environment, the people, the rules, their beliefs and attitudes, and all those stuffs. One thing that's really hard for me to cope up with is the schedule. I'm a big lazy lady, I admit. I get so many tips and advices which will make my schedule and stuffs organized. But as what I've said a while ago, LAZY. I should have done/finished so many things ahead if I did it long time ago or as earlier as possible if I have time(studies first before any shenanigans and etcheteraz). As what they say, TIME IS GOLD. I'm not good at maintaining either, especially if it concerns myself. But I do know how to maintain friendship, relationship, and commitment with another individual.
My point is, this abrupt call for wardclass tomorrow because others can't make it yet with their revised resource unit makes me feel so fretful. Pacing up to complete the needed things for tomorrow makes me dizzy and easily dehydrated. Gosh! I hope it ends well tomorrow, so that all our short hardships would pay off.
Until my next post.
Ciao and Good night!
P.S. I think I'm not going to sleep right now. I need to read, read, and read. :(
Adaptation to a new environment depends on several factors, may it be the system in that new environment, the people, the rules, their beliefs and attitudes, and all those stuffs. One thing that's really hard for me to cope up with is the schedule. I'm a big lazy lady, I admit. I get so many tips and advices which will make my schedule and stuffs organized. But as what I've said a while ago, LAZY. I should have done/finished so many things ahead if I did it long time ago or as earlier as possible if I have time(studies first before any shenanigans and etcheteraz). As what they say, TIME IS GOLD. I'm not good at maintaining either, especially if it concerns myself. But I do know how to maintain friendship, relationship, and commitment with another individual.
My point is, this abrupt call for wardclass tomorrow because others can't make it yet with their revised resource unit makes me feel so fretful. Pacing up to complete the needed things for tomorrow makes me dizzy and easily dehydrated. Gosh! I hope it ends well tomorrow, so that all our short hardships would pay off.
Until my next post.
Ciao and Good night!
P.S. I think I'm not going to sleep right now. I need to read, read, and read. :(
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